4 posts tagged “life”

FOOL’S  BALLAD – [Part I]
When folly begets misery, Fool trips miserably.
by: Adlina

Oh, what purpose do I serve in this life?
Caught in between deceit and folly and lies
Did I not see the road Triumph once travelled
– now locked out of memory so dishevelled?
Why, oh why had I waited for morning sun
when moon in darkness doth brightly shine?

Oh, Triumph, where have you gone to now?
Did you ever find those whose knitted brows
frown upon and scorn your tales of bravery?
Were you so disheartened by their ignorant mockery
that you’ve turned your heart black and walk another lane
that strayed from when you succumbed not to pain?

Oh, what does the mirror reflect when I dare look
into its truth-bearing surface where every nook and crook
of what was once myself laughed in reverberating euphoric madness?
Dare I summon Triumph back and seek the forgotten happiness
once promised in my young days where the world doth go round
and in merriment doth the universe turn when I looked around?

Oh, Fool, I was –Fool, I am, for my cowardly retreat
from reality and truth and all that make my heart beat.
And my blood boils, my skin crawls, my mind’s burnt ashes
as I lost myself in those times long past, in those flashes
of memories once treasured, memories of iridescent brightness
where you and I waltzed to our promised happiness.

I haven't been writing for a long time. I'm afraid that if I don't start again now, I might lose my sense of identity completely. So let's start with small little things first before moving on to longer ones.

These are a few things my mind wondered about the past couple of days. Some of them might not be compliant to what other people think, but these are my words and what I think...

• People are often attracted to the one person most likely to reject them... but sometimes, that's only because what they know about each other is incomplete.
• Loving someone may mean that you'll feel pain - it's a part of the cycle of life, love and loss. In a sense, though, only the things that are painful to lose are worth loving in the first place.
• Nothing in this world is truly black, and of course nothing is truly white as well. We live in shades of grey. When we think that we're 'good' (white), the chances of us having 'bad' (black) qualities are higher because we tend to think that they are 'good' too when it's not.
• We are not likely to give up because of our insecurities. Society influences us a great deal. It is only sad how opinion changes because of what other people say instead of our very own judgement of the decision we wanted to make.
• Insecurities do not make people paranoid and fret over things. It's the fear that other people know about their insecurities that make them paranoid - if they feel this way, they'll be always conscious as to what others think about them.
• Perfection is overrated. People know for a fact that nothing is ever perfect, but they still cry when something does not turn out perfect in the end.. And then the excuse would always be 'nothing is perfect'. Perfection, to me, is only about perception, not really the condition of the matter. People only cry over 'imperfection' because they are afraid to admit that they've made mistakes, hence shouldering the blame on the 'nature of perfection'.

*sigh* 

     “Mama, I’ve made up my mind,” I said into the receiver, trying in vain to mask the tremors in my voice. For the next couple of minutes, there was only silence on the other end. I heard a sharp intake of breath from the earpiece and decided that I should just tell my mother of my decision.
 
     I closed my eyes, choking back the sudden urge to burst out crying. “I’m taking up the TESL offer.”
 
     My heart broke when my mother started to cry. I could already picture her silent tears of desolation running down her face while she bit her lips to keep herself from sobbing. The pain in my chest grew stronger, and I almost could not breathe. With tears in my eyes, I told her, “I’m leaving this matriculation course.”
 
     Everything went downhill from there. The moment I decided to give up on matriculation and accept the government scholarship for a TESL (Teaching of English as a Second Language) course, something changed in my family. I single-handedly destroyed their long-time dream of seeing me in a sophisticated white uniform – their dream of seeing me become a doctor. By accepting the government’s offer, I have stepped into a whole new path of dreams. Only it was something definite this time around.
 
     At the earliest stage of my life, I was exposed to the wonders of Science. Becoming a doctor was something I used to always dream of, and what everyone around me expected me to become. I was fed with the foundation of Science from the beginning, and I spent my primary and secondary schooldays as a Science student. Deluded by the blurry image of future painted by someone else’s hands in my head, I had to suppress my desire – my love for Arts and Literature. I read and wrote for leisure what my classmates dubbed as thrash (poetry) and complete waste of time (fictions). I played musical instruments, wrote my own lyrics and composed my own melodies for personal gratification no one around me seemed to grasp. I felt totally alone in my world. While struggling to maintain my record of A’s in Science, I could barely hide my longing for opportunities to study literature in a formal classroom like the Arts students in my school.
 
     The society I live in has a particularly high perception towards Science, in which those studying or working in the fields of Science are regarded more highly than those in Arts and Literature. It does not matter if Arts students score or behave a lot better. They remain the second-rate achievers in the eyes of the narrow-minded society. Malaysia may seem like a peaceful country with people of different races living in utmost harmony all year round. It is only unfortunate for me that Malaysian society consists of those who stereotype and generalize almost everything. My mother, sadly, is one of those who judge the book by its cover. My switch from Science to Arts has saddened her greatly. For a few months, our phone conversations were teary. There was never a time when she would greet me on the phone with a cheery hello; and when I tried to greet her like a happy daughter receiving a call from her mother, my pretense of happiness died at the unmasked despair in her voice.
 
     Even worse, my brothers harshly reproached me. They blamed me for my decision, labeling me as selfish, ungrateful and self-centered. My only support then was my friends and my father, who told me that everything would be okay with time. I wanted so much to believe them, but my mother never stopped trying to convince me to think everything over. She even offered to send me to a private medical college if I were to change my mind, refusing my explanations. The mental torture I went through reduced me to a desperate crybaby, pleading for my mother to understand that we were dealing with my future. We were treading on my dreams.
 
     Truthfully, I love both Science and Arts because I believe that Science is the basics of knowledge which can only be perfected by Arts. Even though I used to always picture myself as a medical student, I never could picture myself as a full-time doctor. Working in the medical field would mean less time for me to explore my interest in literature. When I pictured myself dashing through the corridors for emergency cases and working in an atmosphere which holds the dread of death for the rest of my life, my heart sank. I just knew I could not become a good doctor. My mind has grown up. I refused to keep my true feelings in the dark. I wanted to start living my life for myself as well and not just for my family. Graduating as a TESL student will allow me the privilege of exploring the wonderful aspects of English language and literature, as well as the opportunity to polish my writing.
 
     Even so, it was not an easy decision to make. I worked so hard to please my mother, to live up to her expectations of me. I worked hard so she would be proud of me. All those hard work was to make sure I qualify for medical universities. Letting go of that long-time dream made me miserable for a period of time, and it was not a pleasant feeling at all. From a respected high-scoring Science student with high expectations chasing from behind, I suddenly found myself standing at the receiving ends of people’s reprimands, disapproval glances and disappointed sighs. Suddenly there were people talking behind my back, calling me a disappointment. Some even said it straight to my face that I have successfully destroyed my future by dropping out of matriculation.
 
     It was hard to make them understand that it was my future they were talking about. Where are my rights of making my own decision if I could not choose my own path? 98 percent of my fellow TESL coursemates are from Science background too. Like me, they have strong passion for Arts which drove them to take up the government’s offer. The only difference was that they were fully supported by their parents. While their parents smiled brightly on the registration day, mine held back their sadness from showing. My mother cried at the sense of finality delivered by the sight of my signature on the statement of agreement.
 
     My long months of tears and isolation finally started looking up with the presence of my newborn nephew. My mother is gradually accepting the fact that I am no longer a toddler who relies completely on her mother for everything she does. I have grown beyond the age where I can already think rationally and make decisions for myself.
 
     I have finally completed foundation years and looking forward to venturing into the New Year as a student of the University of Auckland, New Zealand. Every time I score satisfactory marks for my assessments and assignment papers, I would cheerily tell my mother about my results. She would congratulate me and say “That’s a good girl!”. Nevertheless, it does not feel the same anymore. I know it will take a long time for her to heal, but I am willing to wait if it means I could someday see the genuine sparkle of pride in her eyes once again.
 

A man driving through a sprint expressway encountered a car in which he dubbed as 'slow' and 'driven with lack of maneuvering skills'. The first thought that sprung to his mind was, "Must be a woman."

'The weaker sex' - that is how women are perceived by the society we live in. Even with the constant advancement of technology and modernisation, traditional mindsets pertaining to women remain unchanged within our so-called modern society. Women organisations and movements (e.g: AWAM) and campaigns (e.g: The White Ribbon Campaign) continue to pop up sporadically around the globe, yet we still hear about violence against women and exploitation of women in local media and international ones alike every single day. Are women really, as they say, 'the weaker sex'?

Although gender stereotyping is nothing new to us, the intensity should have decreased from its original value after the many changes undergone by our country over the past few years. Even with the increase in number of women climbing the tower of success in various fields (e.g: politics, entrepreneurship, etc), women are still condemned as 'second-rate' citizen compared to man. Their occasional 'mood swings' are said to be the main reason leading to the widespread belief of women as vulnerable and too delicate to lead.

It is not so cruel to say that the stereotyping is made stronger by women themselves. When it comes to the term 'heartbreak', people usually relate it to women and their emotional turmoil. This is not to say that men are not affected by heartbreaks, but women are usually the ones who suffer the impact the most. They tend to let themselves sink into depression rather than trying to take positive measures to overcome the problems at hand. Some women even cry too much, sinking further and further into depression, wallowing in self-pity. Even though I am still young, I am also a woman. I have also been through many hardships of life - physically, mentally, emotionally.

Women movements and campaigns can only do so far, they help women deal with public rights and such. Women may also seek help from the many women organisations for services such as counseling but I seriously think that the only way to stop being labeled 'the weaker sex' is by standing up to ourselves. We will hardly achieve anything by showing our misery for the world see, hoping for sympathy. We are the ones who can stop our own tears, build a strong pillar of determination to shield ourselves from being exploited by others. Believe it or not, we can be strong without relying on someone else's shoulder.

Keep in mind that although women may be delicate, but they are not weak. 'Weak' may translate to 'delicate' but 'delicate' does not necessarily mean 'weak'.